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An Asian Woman, American Woman & English Woman all die.
In order to get into heaven, though, they must go up 100 steps, each containing a joke. The catch is that they must are not allowed to laugh otherwise sent to hell.
The Asian Woman goes first and laughs at the first step and is sent to hell. The American Woman goes next and makes it to the 11th step before she laughs.
Finally, it’s the English Women’s turn. She gets all the way to the 99th step before she laughs.
God asks her, “You were so close, only one step more would take you to heaven, why did you laugh?” and she answers, “I just understood the first Joke”.
There was an English Woman who found herself sitting next to a computer programmer on a train. The programmer just kept irritating the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence.
Finally, the programmer offered her 100 to I odds, and said every time this English Woman could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $500.
The programmer was confident he could not lose, and that English Woman reluctantly accepted.
The programmer asked, “What is the distance between New York and Washington DC?” Without saying a word the English Woman handed him $5.
Then the English Woman asked, “What goes up a mountain with 4 legs and comes back down the mountain with 8 legs?” Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several minutes, looking up everything he could on his laptop, googled it and even placing numerous phone calls trying to find the answer.
Finally, tired, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the English Woman $500.
The blonde put the $500 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer now want to know the answer, “What is the answer to your question?” Without saying a word, the English Woman handed him $5.
A man very ill, so he goes to his doctor and performs complete checkup. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results.
“I’m afraid to inform you but I do have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left. ”
“Oh, that’ horrible news!” says the man. “Please tell it to me straight and frankly, Doctor. How long have I got to live?
“Twenty,” the doctor says hesitantly.
“Twenty?” the man asks with a surprised tone.
“Twenty what? Months? Weeks What?!”
One very rich man was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and the priest whom he assumed were his best and trustworthy people.
“I know I am going to die very soon,” he said, ” and since I am very rich, I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $500,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin.”
After a few days, the man passed away. It was a few days after the funeral when the priest feeling heavy with the guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put $300,000 back.
“I’m glad you brought it up,” said the doctor, “because I have also been feeling heavy-hearted with this guilt, I only put $100,000 back.”
“You people should be ashamed of yourselves, you people deserve hell” yelled the lawyer “stealing money like that, am I the only honest person here? Here look at this” he said pulling out his chequebook, “Look I wrote out a cheque for the full $500,000!”
A mid-aged woman went to the finest artist in the town and decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist” Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things” replied the artist.
“I know,” she said. “It’s in case If I happen to die earlier than my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his newly married wife to go crazy looking for these pieces of jewellery. “