An English husband and wife are getting ready to fall asleep lying in bed when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.
WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not, my love!”
WIFE: “Why not, my love? Don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Well.. actually I do.”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again”
WIFE: “You would?”
HUSBAND: Only if it’s ever the case l have to.
WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s such a great house.”
WIFE: “Would you two sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Yes of course, what’s wrong with this bed?”
WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “Probably, it’s a beautiful car after all .”
WIFE: “Would you give her my jewellery?”
HUSBAND: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
WIFE: “Would she also use my golf clubs?”
HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”
WIFE: — (awkward silence) —
In one part of London, one English Woman was about to have triplets. In her womb, the babies were talking about the profession they would take after they are grown up.
The first baby said, “It’s my dream to become a plumber, I hate water being all around because there is so much water in here.”
The second baby said, “It’s my dream to become an electrician, I hate staying in the dark because it is so dark in here.”
And the last baby said, “I want to be a hunter, I hate snakes so much that I want to cut off its head because that damn snake comes back in here often.
An Englishman goes to the dentist to have his tooth pulled since it was causing him pain for some days. The dentist gets the syringe ready to insert the anaesthetic into the Englishman’s gum.
“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the Englishman says. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas to his patient’s mouth and the Englishman objects again.
“Oh god, I can’t do the gas thing—the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” The dentist then asks if the Englishman has any problem with taking a pill.
“No,” the Englishman says, “I am absolutely fine with taking pills.” The dentist then returns and says, “Here is a Viagra tablet.”
The Englishman says, “Wow – I didn’t know Viagra worked as an anaesthetic pill, I thought Viagra is for erection purpose!”
“Actually it doesn’t,” says the dentist, “but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your goddamn tooth.”
Little Jim in his school watched his science teacher start an experiment with worms.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar full of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar full of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar full of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After three days, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol was dead of intoxication.
The second worm in cigarette smoke was dead of suffocation.
The third worm in sperm didn’t survive as well because of drowning.
The fourth worm in the soil was alive and healthy.
So the science teacher asked the class, “I am sure you learned something, What did you learn from our little experiment?”
Little Jim quickly raised his hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won’t have worms.”
In one area of London, a little English boy goes to his dad and asks, “Dad, What is politics?”
His Dad says, “Well, son, to make you clear, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the “Bread & Butter Provider” of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism.
Your mom, she’s the “Administrator of the Money”, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People.
The nanny is the one who does all the work in our house, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future.
Now, take your time and think about that for tonight if that makes sense. So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying in the next room, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has dirtied his diaper, so the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep totally unaware of his little brother’s situation.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked from inside, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He returns to his bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics very well now.
The father says, “Good, my son, tell me in your own words.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit.”