On returning home from battle in the Falkland Islands, three soldiers are asked to report to their General.
The General states that because of services rendered the Military Department will pay each soldier a sum of £1000 per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice.
The General asks the first soldier, a Special Forces commando, how do you want to be measured up? “I’ll have the top of my head to the tips of my toes, Sir!” replies the Commando of war. “Excellent,” says the General, “that’s 80 inches, so here’s £80,000.”
The Second Commando states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched. “Excellent,” replies the General after measuring the Commando, “90 inches, so that’s £90,000.”
Thirdly, he asks the explosives expert “I’ll have the tip of my dick to the end of my balls measured, Sir!” The General is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private’s privates he snaps back up saying, “Where in Christ’s name are your balls, Commando?”
The Commando smiles at him and says, “Falkland Islands, General!”
“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhoea,” one English patient told his personal doctor on the phone.
“The only lady he’s screwed is our Indian maid.” “OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” said the doctor.
“Get him here to my clinic right away and I’ll take care of him.” “But, Doc, I’ve been screwing that Indian maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms my son has.” Said the Englishman. “Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.” “Son of a bitch!” the doctor yelled, “That means I have got it as well, including your milkman, driver and your gatekeeper!”
An English woman walked into a Ferrari dealership just to browse.
Suddenly, she spotted the most elegant car that she had ever seen in her entire life and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped nobody would pop up. But as she turned back, there was the Ferrari Salesman standing. With a pleasant smile, he greeted her, “Good Afternoon Ma’am. How may I help you?”
Trying to handle the situation and acting as though nothing had happened, the English Woman smiled back and asked, “Sir, what is the price of this elegant Ferrari?”
Still smiling pleasantly, the salesman replied, “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, I’m hesitant to say that, if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price.”
One Hindu Guru wanted to raise money for his temple and, being told there were fortunes in racehorses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so expensive that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in second.
The next day racing sheets carried the headlines, “Hindu Guru’s ass shows.” The Hindu Guru was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said, “Hindu Guru’s ass out in front.”
The Leader of all Guru – Holy Guru, was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Guru not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this headline, “Holy Guru scratches Hindu Guru’s ass.” This was just too much for the Holy Guru and he ordered the Guru to get rid of the damn animal.
The Hindu Guru decided to give it to one of the lady Hindu Guru in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read, “Lady Hindu Guru has the best ass in town.”
The Holy Guru nearly went into a coma. He informed the Lady Hindu Guru that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for Rs1000. The paper states, “Lady Hindu Guru peddles ass for a thousand rupees.”
They buried the Holy Guru the next day.
A train stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.
The American lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is directed towards their conversation when she hears one of the men say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.”
“You vulgar piece of shit,” yelled the American lady. “In the United States of America, we don’t talk about our sex lives in public.”
“Hey, coola down, lady,” said the Italian man. “Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”