A young English couple left the church after their weddings and arrived at the hotel where they were planned the first night of their honeymoon.
They opened the 20-year-old scotch, drank some and began undressing. When the newly husband removed his socks, his new wife asked, “Ewww—what’s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. “I had tolio as a child,” he answered without thinking it was a big deal.
“You mean polio?” she asked. “No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.” The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.
When the husband took off his pants, his newly wedded bride was once again surprised. “What’s wrong with your knees?” she asked. “They’re all lumpy and deformed!” “As a child, I also had kneasles,” he explained.
“You mean measles?” she asked. “No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.” The new bride was satisfied with this answer this time as well. As the undressing continued, her husband, at last, removed his underwear.
“Don’t tell me this time,” she said. “Let me guess… Smallcox?”
The Lady Headmaster of an exclusive girls’ school in England was lecturing her students on Sexual Morality & Self Control.
“We live today in very difficult times, especially for young people like you. In moments of temptation,” she said, “just ask yourself one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”
A young American woman rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me ma’am, but how do you make it last an hour?”
An Englishman goes to his personal doctor and complains that his American wife stopped having sex with him for the past few months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his American wife to the hospital so he can talk to her and hopefully find out what the problem is.
The following day, the American wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, and why she doesn’t want to have sex with her English husband.
“Oh Doc, I can explain that. For the past few months,” the American wife says, “I’ve been taking a taxi to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The taxi driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so my American boss asks me, ‘Should I fire you, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
I take a taxi to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The taxi driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’.
” So you see, Doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want to have sex anymore.” “Yes, I see,” Replies to the doctor. “So, am I going to tell your husband about you, or what?”
Two English women who were friends for a long time had gone out for a girls’ night out and had been decidedly drunk.
On walking back home, they suddenly realized they both needed to take a pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they pee behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties, used them to wipe and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to just throw it away, but was lucky enough to find a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave, and she wiped herself with it.
After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman’s husband called the other husband and said, “These damn girls’ nights out don’t seem right to me. My wife came home last night without her panties.”
“That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck in her pussy that said, ‘From all of us at the Town’s Football Club; we’ll never forget you!’”
An English newly bride tells her American husband, “You know I’m still a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you please explain it to me first?”
“OK, honey. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the culprit.’ So what we do is put the culprit in the prison.” And then the newly wedded couple make love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face-up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his English bride giggles, “Darling, the culprit seems to have escaped.” Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Darling, the culprit is out again!” The man rises again for his next round, but with the unsteady legs due to his recent action.
Afterwards, he lies back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him again and says, “The culprit has escaped again.” The husband is really mad this time, he shouts at her, “It’s not a life sentence, OK?!”