An Englishman lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family, a weeping American wife and three children.
Two of the children are tall, good-looking, but the third and the youngest is an ugly one. “My love,” the husband whispers, “please assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I deserve to know the truth before I die. I make sure I will forgive you if…”
The American wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, honey, absolutely, no question. I swear on my mother ’s grave that you are his father.”
The Englishman dies happy.
The American wife mutters under her breath, “Thank God he didn’t ask me about the other two!”
In one jungle of the United Kingdom, Mr Tiger and Mr Fox didn’t like each other very much.
One day, while walking through the jungle, they came across a golden frog. They were surprised when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn’t often meet anyone, but when he did he always granted them three wishes. He told them that they too could have three wishes each.
Mr Tiger immediately wished that all the other Tiger in the jungle were females. The golden frog granted his wish.
Mr Fox, after thinking for a while, wished for a bike helmet.
One appeared immediately, and the fox placed it on his head. Mr Tiger was amazed at Mr Fox’s wish but carried on with his second wish.
He wished that all the tigers in the neighbouring jungle were females as well, and the golden frog granted his wish.
Mr Fox then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared just before him, and he climbed on that bike and started revving the engine. Mr Tiger could not believe it and made fun of Mr Fox that he had wasted two wishes that he could ask for something important.
Shaking his head, Mr Tiger made his final wish, that all the other tigers in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male tiger in the world.
The golden frog replied that the wish had been granted, and they both turned to Mr Fox for his last wish.
Mr Fox revived the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr Tiger was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.
An English woman walks into one accountant’s office in London and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, “That’s fine, but before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.” He gets the woman’s name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks, “What is your occupation?” The English woman replies, “I’m a whore, as a matter of fact, I am one of the most successful whores of this city.”
The accountant baulks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work out. Let’s try to rephrase that.” “0K fine then – I’m a prostitute.”
“No, that still won’t work out. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, “I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over 7,000 cocks last year.”
An English husband comes home, and his wife says to him, “I need £10, dear. I have to go out and buy some meat.”
“£10! Are you fucking crazy? Come upstairs to the bathroom and let me show you something.”
They run up upstairs to the bathroom and he stands in front of the mirror and pulls out a ten-pound bill and says, “You see that £10 in the mirror? That one’s yours and this one’s mine.”
He goes to work the other day and when he comes home he finds the kitchen full of meat from one end to the other. He looks over to his wife in surprise and asks, “Where the hell did you get all this meat?”
“Well,” she replies. “Come upstairs to the bathroom and let me show you something.”
They go up to the bathroom and she stands in front of the mirror, lifting up her skirt. “You see that in the mirror? Well, from now on, that one’s yours and this one’s the butcher’s.”
Dirty Mind Jokes 20
At 90 years of age, Henry marries Jane, a lovely 26-year-old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jane decides that after their wedding she and Henry should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but the aged, husband may have a heart attack if they had spent the entire night together and had sex.
After the wedding festivities, Jane prepares herself for bed and the expected “knock” on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens and there is Henry, her 90-year-old groom ready for some action. They unite as one. All goes pretty well. Henry takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes had passed, Jane hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Henry again. He is ready for more action.
Somewhat surprised, Jane agrees to have some more sex. When the newlyweds are done, Henry kisses his bride, wishes her goodnight and leaves.
She is ready to go to sleep again, but Henry is back again knocking on the door, fresh as a 19-year-old and ready for more action. And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Henry gets set to leave again, Jane says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can still perform so well and numerous times. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Henry.”
Henry, somewhat surprised and confused, turns to Jane and says, “You mean I was here already?”
Moral of the story: Alzheimer disease is always not bad.