An English wife had just returned to the house on Sunday afternoon after doing shopping for a while.
She was quite upset and complained to her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had harassed her.
It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any panties. The salesman just told her, “If that thing was full of ice cream, I’d eat every bite of it.”
Well, she was sexually harassed, and now wanted to complain to her husband and see what he was going to do about it. The wife reached home and explained the situation.
The husband just sat there, watching web series on TV, and just ignored everything. The wife became really mad and insisted on knowing why he didn’t rush down to the shop and punch the damn rude salesman right in the face.
“Well,” the husband replied, “there are three reasons I won’t punch that salesman in the face. First of all, there was no need for shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them.
Secondly, you shouldn’t have gone shopping with no panties on.
But most of all, I’m not going to punch anyone who’s brave enough to eat that much ice cream!”
There are three English women who always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, of course, the laundry always gets wet – all the laundry except for Nicole’s.
The other two women wonder why Nicole never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day they are all out in their backyard putting their clothes on the hanger to dry when one of the women say to Nicole, “How come when it rains your laundry is never out?”
“Well,” says Nicole, “when I wake up in the morning I look over at Sam. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it’s going to be a great day and I can hang the laundry outside. If his prick is hanging over his right leg, I know it’s going to rain, so I don’t hang it out.”
“What if it is pointed up?” asks one of the English women.
“Well,” says Nicole, “on such a day like that you grab the opportunity and don’t do the laundry!”
During one weekend, a group of computer programmers discovered that one of them, young Jim, was a virgin.
Well, they decided this was a shame, and gathered their money to remedy the situation. They talked him into getting cleaned up and drove to the brothel next town so that nobody would recognize them.
Upon entering, the leader went to the madam, explained the situation and gave her $200. The madam assured the leader that she would sort Jim and make him happy. They all left Jim there to have a good time by himself.
Being naive, Jim asked the madam what was going on. She explained to him that he was about to become a man, courtesy of his computer programmer friends.
“All you have to do is choose one of my beautiful girls and she will make you happy.”
Well, Jim looked around at the group of blondes before him and, after several minutes of indecision picked a young blonde to take upstairs.
Once they were in their room upstairs, the girl said to Jim, “I hear you’re still a virgin boy. So what’s your fantasy? You want missionary, Doggy style, Greek, 69 or what?”
Jim didn’t want to appear indecisive, so he hesitantly said 69 would be just fine. So they settled into the proper position.
After several minutes of missing the target, Jim finally figured out it right and was just starting to enjoy it. Sadly, the whore had kidney beans for dinner and let loose a little fart right in his face. Jim tried to ignore it, thinking it was part of the fun and continued licking.
A little while later, she passed the fart again. Jim still thought it was part of the fun and dived back in and continued licking vigorously.
A few minutes later, she surprised Jim with a fart that curled Jim’s eyebrows.
He pushed her off his face and said, “Hello beautiful, I don’t want you to think I’m not enjoying myself or anything, but I don’t think I can take another 66 of those.”
A Christian Priest is sent into wild, remote, darkest Africa, and goes to live with a tribe there.
He spent several years with the people, teaching them to appear civilized, and also taught them to read and write.
One thing that he particularly taught them was the evil of sexual sin. “Thou must not commit adultery or fornication! ! !”
One day, the wife of one of the men in the tribe gave birth to a white child. The village is surprised, and the chief of that tribe is requested by his people to talk with the Priest.
“You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin several times, yet here is a black woman who gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our tribe. I know this is your damn child!”
The priest replies, “Oh no, my friend, you are mistaken. What we have here is a natural occurrence called an albino. Look in the fields of this tribe! You see a field of white sheep, yet amongst them is one black sheep. Nature sometimes does this on purpose.”
The chief hesitantly pauses for a moment, and then says, “Fine, we have a deal,… you don’t say anything about the sheep, and I won’t say anything about that white kid.”
Jim aged 9-years old had become real trouble to his father tried who wanted to concentrate on his Sunday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives.
His father tried every possible way to get Jim to not disturb them: TV, video games, chocolates, ice cream, and homework but little Jim insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards loudly they held.
The other poker players became so mad that they threatened to quit the game and leave. At this point, Jim’s uncle stood up, took Jim by the hand and led him out of the room.
The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Jim, and without any interruption, the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Jim was nowhere to be seen and found and the card players continued the poker game without any interruptions.
After the poker game had ended, the father asked Jim’s uncle, “What magic in the world did you do to Jim? I haven’t heard a word from him all day!”
“No magic at all,” Jim’s uncle replied. “I just showed him how to masturbate.”