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An Englishman walks into a bar in New York and orders a 20-year-old scotch.
The American bartender, believing that this Englishman won’t be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap two-year-old house scotch instead.
The Englishman takes a sip, spits the scotch out on the bar and yells at the bartender, “This is the cheapest two-year-old scotch you can ever buy. I’m not paying a cent for it. Now, give me a good 20-year-old scotch.”
The American bartender still trying to trick the Englishman pours a slightly better five-year-old scotch. Again, the Englishman takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. “This is only five-year-old scotch. I won’t pay a cent for this crap. I insist on a good, 20-year-old scotch.”
The American bartender finally accepts his trick being defeated and serves the Englishman his best quality 20-year-old scotch.
At that point, an old Indian drunk who has witnessed the entire situation from the end of the bar walks up to the expert scotch drinker sits beside him and sets a glass down in front of him. “What do you think of this?” he asks.
The expert Englishman takes a sip, and, in disgust, spits out the yellow liquid, yelling, “It tastes like a damn piss!”
“That’s correct,” says the Indian drunk, “now tell me how old I am.”
An American salesman in New York decides to try for a new job in one of Walmart Stores.
The manager from Walmart asks, “Do you have any sales experience?” The man says, “Yeah, I’ve been a salesman all my life.”
The boss liked him, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll see your performance at the end of the shift and see how you did.”
After the shift was over, the boss came down and asked the salesman. “How many sales did you make today?” The salesman says, “One.”
The boss says, “Just one? Our salespeople in this Walmart Branch average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale?” The Salesman replied “$50,237.64.”
“$50,237.64! What the hell did you sell him?”
“First, I sold him some fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said ‘down at the New York Beach’, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that big twin-engine job.
Then he said he didn’t think his Toyota Yaris would pull it, so I took him down to the car department and sold him a 4×4 Land Rover.”
The boss said, “Somebody came in here to buy fish hooks and you sold him a boat and a 4×4 Land Rover?”
“No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife who was in her period, and I said, ‘Well since your weekend’s fucked, you may as well go fishing. “‘
An English newly appointed priest was driving along a remote road and saw a young nun on the side of the road.
He stopped and offered her a lift, which she happily accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her black gown to open and reveal a lovely, juicy leg.
The newly appointed priest took a look at her and nearly had an accident. After regaining control of the car, he hesitantly slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest was embarrassed and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand.
However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her lovely leg.
Further on, while changing gear, he intentionally let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
Once again the priest embarrassedly apologized. “Sorry, sister, I was out of my line.” Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave the priest a meaningful glance with a flirty smile and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to open a Bible and looked up what was in Psalm 129.
In the bible, it was said, “Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.”
One day a little cat was walking through the small jungle in London when he came across a small river.
He peered into the river and noticed that at the bottom of the river there was a little sausage. The cat was feeling quite hungry, so since the water wasn’t that deep, he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.
The next day the cat was walking through the jungle again and peered into the river. There was another sausage in the river but this time it was an average-sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put both front legs into the river. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it happily.
The next day things went the same and the cat again looked into the river. There he found a bigger sausage at the bottom of the river. It looked so delicious and appealing but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, and then SPLASH – he fell into the river.
The moral of the story: The bigger the sausage, the wetter the pussy!
An Englishman walks into a bar and says “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer.”
The bartender politely says, “Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem”. The man replies, “Y-y-yes, itsss myyyy loongg timeee probbblem!”
The bartender says, “I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row and I haven’t stuttered since!” The man says, “W-w-wow, th-th-that’s great to kn-kn-know…”
A week later, the same man walks into the bar, and says, “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer.”
The bartender says, “Why didn’t you try what I told you?” “I d-d-did!” said the man. “It j-j-just d-d-didn’t w-w-work for-rr me-ee..b-b-but I m-m-must say, you have an r-r-really n-n-nice apartment!”