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A young American boy went up to his father and asked him, “What is the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from the reply.”
So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?” The mother excitedly replied, “Of course I would! I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like that.”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl excitedly replied too, “Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that lifetime opportunity!”
The boy thought for a while, then went back to his dad who asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?” The boy replied, “No, father,” and told his father the replies he’d been given.
“Well, my son,” the father replied. “Surely it’s obvious: Potentially, we’re sitting on two million dollars but, realistically, we’re living with two sluts.”
Three Englishmen with terrible addictions go and visit the doctor.
The alcoholic is the first to enter. “Well,” says the doctor, “you have damaged your liver beyond repair – if you have one more drink, you will drop dead.” Shocked, the man leaves, vowing never to drink again in his entire life.
The doctor’s next patient is a chain smoker. “Right,” says the doctor, “your lungs are coated so heavily with tar that I’m afraid to say if you smoke one more cigarette, you will drop dead.” The man leaves, clearly shaken and promising himself to never puff on a cigarette again.
The doctor’s final patient is addicted, homosexual. “Well, I must say,” says the doctor, “I’m afraid that if you give in to your addiction just one more time, you will also drop dead.” The homosexual leaves resigned to the fact that he will never have sex again.
The three men are walking down the street when they see a bar. The alcoholic can’t help himself and runs inside for his sip of beer – and drops dead.
The two remaining men are shocked that doctor’s warning was true but continue their walk down the road where they come across a whole burning cigarette lying in a doorway.
The smoker is driven by his addiction and stops to have a single pop. As he’s about to bend down and pick it up the homosexual turns to him and says, “You do realize, if you pick that up we’re both dead!”
A female TV reporter went to have an interview with an English farmer, seeking to find out the main cause of Weird Cow Disease.
The Lady Reporter: “Good evening, sir, we are here to collect information about the causes of Weird Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?”
The English Farmer stared at the lady reporter and said: “Do you know that the bull fucks the cow once a year?” The Lady Reporter: “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information, but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Weird Cow disease?”
The Farmer: “Well, Lady, do you know that we milk the cow two times a day?” The Lady Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point of Weird Cow Disease?”
The Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits two times a day and fucking you once a year, wouldn’t YOU get mad?”
An English family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of ‘boobies’ are there”.
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, my son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” asked the son. “Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter asked, “Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?” The mother smiles and answers, “Well, my dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and strong. In his thirties and forties, it’s like a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” queried the daughter. “Yes, it’s dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”
Back in the early 1900s in the UK, a farmer and his daughter’s head into the market to sell that year’s crop so they can survive the unforgiving cold winter. They sell everything and have plenty of money to make it through that evil winter.
On the way back, the father notices a group of robbers behind them. He loses his cool because he was certain that they are planning to rob all of the money.
The daughter suggests, “Dad, give me all the money fast, I will hide them!”
Moments later the robbers take everything they can lay their hands upon. The father begins to cry and the daughter says, “It’s 0K, Dad, I have all the money still.”
He replies with joy, “Where did you hide it?” She says, “In my pussy.” He replies, “Damn, if we had brought your mother we could have saved the horse and cart, too.”