20 Long Dirty Jokes

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Joke 1

An English guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He quickly rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he asks. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He grabs the phone, but just as he’s dialling, his 7-year-old daughter comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle John’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The English guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his younger brother, totally naked.

“You lousy bastard”, screams the husband, “my wife ‘s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

Joke 2

An English Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a married woman is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the woman was. “I promised not to tell!” the teenager says. 

“Was it Mary Sarah, the carpenter’s daughter?” the priest asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell”, replies the teenager. “Was it Mary Amy, the painter’s daughter?” “No and I still won’t tell!” replies the teenager. ‘Was it Mary Nicole, the accountant’s daughter?” “No, “ says the teenager. 

“Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for two months.” 

Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got two months, but three good leads. “ 

Joke 3

An Englishman walks into a pharmacy, buys a strawberry flavoured condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but he just ignores it.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, this time apple flavoured, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly.

This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What’s so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, “If this guy ever comes back again, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.”

Sure enough, the next day the Englishman is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy immediately.

About twenty minutes later, the clerk comes back to the store. “Did you follow him? Where did he go?” asks the pharmacist. The clerk hesitantly replies “Your house.”

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Joke 4

An Englishman goes into a shop and starts wandering around. He sees a refrigerator and Sound System but there are no prices listed on them. He asks a salesman who says, “Ten dollars for both of them.”

“You’ve got to be kidding!” the Englishman says in disbelief. “No, that’s the price,” the salesman says. “Do you want to buy them or not?”

“Yeah, of course, I’ll take them,” the Englishman says. He continues to look around and sees a Micro Oven with voice command technology-enabled. “How much?” he asks. “Ten dollars for the oven, including delivery and installation,” the salesman says. “Is it stolen?” the man asks surprisingly. “No,” says the salesman, “It’s brand new. Do you want it or not?” “Of Course,” the man says.

He looks around some more. As the salesman is clearing up the purchases, the man asks him, “Why are the prices of all items so cheap?”

The salesman says, “Well, the owner of the shop is at my house right now screwing my wife, and what he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his damn business!”

Joke 5

An English guy walks into a restaurant with his pet monkey and orders an omelette and pancakes for breakfast.

While he’s eating, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some apples off of the restaurant and eats them, then grabs some grapes and eats them too. He then jumps onto the billiard table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it into his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole!

The bartender screams at the English guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No. What?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table… Whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the English guy. “He eats everything in front of his eyes. Sorry, you don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff the monkey ate.” He finishes his breakfast, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and then leaves.

Next week he’s in the restaurant again, and his monkey is also with him. He orders breakfast and the monkey starts running around the restaurant again. While the man is finishing his breakfast, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar, grabs it, sticks it up to its ass, pulls it out, and then eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did?” he asks. “No. What?” asks the guy. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it, yuk..!” said the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the English guy. “He still eats everything in front of his eyes, but ever since he swallowed that damn cue ball, he measures things first!!”

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